I don't even wanna talk about it...
but...things happen, and the sooner I can get these things out of my system, the sooner I could set her free. For the longest time, I'd have to admit, part of all these sorrows are my fault. I understand that she's too young and too knew to commit to something that my heart desires. Though, true, I honestly feel that this is the best love I have ever offered anyone, because it reaches to the very depths of me. She affected me in every possible level I could name.Right now, I have gone as far as having to look up the "Psychology of Love." It has already driven me insane, and every day I had been in denial, we both end up waiting for one or the other to just let go. She has already moved-in with someone else, what other sign is clearer than that? I apologize for being so defiant, being so immature. Will I ever get back together with her if she asks for it? Right now, I am too afraid to say yes, too wary. Love is also traumatizing above other things. I have a phobia of cockroaches and love. I know I am in it for the challenge, I am in it for the pain, but this time, things turned against me...I wasn't looking for a challenge, I was ready for the real thing, but it was refused of me, I was presented with a challenge the accompanying dose of pain. My head is still throbbing, I could no less have had a stroke if I had been 50 years old. I took this love thing seriously.
It was all true, and if you would ask me now, I wish I could turn back time and start it all over again, there are 2 things to choose from, going back home, or staying where my heart has found its home.
I think it might turn out the same. Many things happened, I cherish everything, good or bad. If she asked me if she would want to be with me again, I'd ask her the same thing the American consuls at the embassy would ask, what is different? Not because I have become calous, but because I have learned of its pain.
Early on she'd tell me that she's learned something about love, and that this time around, she wouldn't give herself entirely. That wasn't flattering at all, disheartening is more appropriate because that was the time I began giving myself to her entirely.
I am not alone I know, sometime, somewhere, someone felt exactly the same way. I know I have to live on, how else will I know what happens to the rest of our lives. I do not regret anything, I just dislike the taste of doubt. I loved her too innocently it seems, she on the other hand loved me like the child that she was...she finally outgrew me. Now, I am waiting for her to grow up, and that means, learning how to love like a child with wisdom.
But...let's go back to the part where, it is my fault.
I had never been loved like this before, maybe never been flattered as much either. My ego must have loved the treatment. I cannot admit though, that that was all it had been. I know I love her, I want to live my life with her, but each day ever since she's been with this guy emotionally and physically I have not been able to stop criticizing either of them. I guess being honest is brutal, I was afraid to lose her before I could try to make part of her see the world around her. I wanted to make her better, the way my parents are making me better whenever I listen to what they have to say. Maybe, it would seem as though I had changed into someone else.
She fell in love with who I was at the time we met, quiet, mysterious. But how am I to act when I have nothing but a phoneline to continue a relationship with. As much as I'd like to show her, and not tell her, I cannot. Maybe, it was something I said. Many somethings I had said. I do not regret anything.
I'm afraid letters written would oncemore be kept, words which I had wished to reach her shall remain where they had begun, inside me. I am not in a bad mood, I am only broken.
I don't even want to talk about it anymore, talk seems useless and too repetitive.
It was all true, and if you would ask me now, I wish I could turn back time and start it all over again, there are 2 things to choose from, going back home, or staying where my heart has found its home.
I think it might turn out the same. Many things happened, I cherish everything, good or bad. If she asked me if she would want to be with me again, I'd ask her the same thing the American consuls at the embassy would ask, what is different? Not because I have become calous, but because I have learned of its pain.
Early on she'd tell me that she's learned something about love, and that this time around, she wouldn't give herself entirely. That wasn't flattering at all, disheartening is more appropriate because that was the time I began giving myself to her entirely.
I am not alone I know, sometime, somewhere, someone felt exactly the same way. I know I have to live on, how else will I know what happens to the rest of our lives. I do not regret anything, I just dislike the taste of doubt. I loved her too innocently it seems, she on the other hand loved me like the child that she was...she finally outgrew me. Now, I am waiting for her to grow up, and that means, learning how to love like a child with wisdom.
But...let's go back to the part where, it is my fault.
I had never been loved like this before, maybe never been flattered as much either. My ego must have loved the treatment. I cannot admit though, that that was all it had been. I know I love her, I want to live my life with her, but each day ever since she's been with this guy emotionally and physically I have not been able to stop criticizing either of them. I guess being honest is brutal, I was afraid to lose her before I could try to make part of her see the world around her. I wanted to make her better, the way my parents are making me better whenever I listen to what they have to say. Maybe, it would seem as though I had changed into someone else.
She fell in love with who I was at the time we met, quiet, mysterious. But how am I to act when I have nothing but a phoneline to continue a relationship with. As much as I'd like to show her, and not tell her, I cannot. Maybe, it was something I said. Many somethings I had said. I do not regret anything.
I'm afraid letters written would oncemore be kept, words which I had wished to reach her shall remain where they had begun, inside me. I am not in a bad mood, I am only broken.
I don't even want to talk about it anymore, talk seems useless and too repetitive.
posted by Jdee at 6:12 AM
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